The Redemption of the Dark Lord
by Shire.Conspire
Summary: A short, one-shot fic that I like to think is funny. Voldemort tries to redeem himself publicly by showing the world that his past actions are not evil...meant for laughs, could be used for tears and always and aid in blackmailing the Dark Lord!!! R/R pl


A/N: So yeah, I know I should be working on my other fanfic, but I just had to take a break and right this bit out to relax me. It's just a one shot and I know it's not the best, but please review! I was thinking of doing one for every villain in the series, but I'm not sure anymore. Anyway, on with the fic!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except, you know, the plot and the excuses and.well, you get the idea.  
  
The Redemption of the Dark Lord  
  
I am not evil; let's just put that out in the open right now, shall we? I am not some psychotic murderer set loose to pur-.purge the world of light and.-and plunge it into darkness.  
  
Don't look at me like that! My eye just twitches when I'm cold, that's all.  
  
See, this is what I get for following what my elders told me to do in school: a bunch of people criticizing me. Every one of my professors told me to 'never quit while you're ahead, Tom', or 'always strive for better, Tom'. They would look at me and say, 'you've got the potential to be a powerful wizard, Tom!', or 'I wouldn't be surprised if you exceeded even our knowledge, Tom!'.  
  
They were constantly telling me to never set my goals too low and that I should listen to everything they told me. Is it my fault that I obeyed them? Is it my fault that now that I have succeeded what they asked me too, they all wish me dead? No! It's all their fault! They should have cleared a few things up for me before I was consumed in success!  
  
I said don't look at me like that; I'm not finished.  
  
I was just doing what all the teachers and all my peers expected me to do. I didn't exactly want to kill all those people, but what could I do? I mean, the muggles didn't really matter; they reproduce regularly anyway. But the wizards and witches? Well, I have a perfectly legitimate and excellent answer to that.  
  
They got in my way.  
  
I know, I know. My eye is twitching.  
  
But come on. You have to give me some credit here. I was put in Slytherin for a reason; besides the fact that I am Salazar's last remaining heir. I mean, we Slytherins are ambitious; breaking through all means to achieve our goals. My goal was to listen to everyone and become a great wizard; and the other wizards were just means that I had to break through. See, it's perfectly rational.  
  
And I didn't want to kill.kill.kill..Harry Potter. I did want to kill---DID NOT want to kill Harry Potter. It was did not, I swear. Stop looking at my eye.  
  
Yes, it's true that I went to his house in the middle of the night, even though I knew they were in hiding from me. Yes, I was aware that his parents refused to give their child up to me for the sake of reserving his life. Yes, I understand that I ruthlessly murdered James Potter in a life- threatening duel, taking whatever cheap shot I could muster just to get him out of the way. Yes, it is fact that Lily was protecting her only son and child from my own hands and that I brutally murdered her as well. I know all of that already. But what no one knows is that I had NO INTENTIONS WHATSOEVER to kill little Harry Potter!  
  
Now wait, just listen to me! After I killed his parents, (which, by the way, can be explained by stating that, once again, they were means that were intended to be broken on my road to success), I did not turn my wand on Harry for the soul purposes of killing him. I did not want, in any shape, structure or form, the child dead.only severely maimed and within and inch of his life; but it wasn't dead!  
  
It was just that the boy had this.well, I actually can't tell you the reasons for my wanting the child severely maimed and within an inch of his life because then it would just ruin my fear hold on him, wouldn't it? But I had to get him out of my way some how, and that was my only path of doing it. But look! I didn't even get to scratch the kid because once the Killing Curse, (which I purposely made impotent so it wouldn't kill him), left my wand, it bounced of the boy's stupid forehead and hit me instead.  
  
And look at what happened to me! I was the one blasted within and inch of my life and had to flee not because I feared the wrath of Dumbledore and the Ministry, but because they would probably think I had set myself to murder Harry and they wouldn't understand my explanation of merely severely maiming the boy within an inch of his life!  
  
I swear, could someone turn the heater on in this room? It's cold enough to freeze hell over!  
  
But honestly, the only reason I wanted the Sorcerer's Stone was so that I could get my body back. The whole immortality junk had nothing to do with it.honestly.I swear.honest.  
  
And what happened in Harry's fourth year was merely a publicity stunt! It had been two whole years since anyone had heard anything about me, and Harry was beginning to lose his hero glow. I simply shoved the kid back into the light. In a sense, I was looking out for Harry. See, all the things we did.it didn't mean a thing! The Portkey was basically just there so that I didn't have to bring all my Death Eaters to the school and cause a big uproar. That ceremony with the flesh, blood and bones? Just a flashy entrance for someone who has been out of commission for the past thirteen years; and what the papers call a 'torturing, brutal and unfair duel' with Harry is so untrue! It was completely fair; he had his wand.  
  
What did you say? What about second year? Now see, that wasn't exactly my fault; it was my sixteen-year-old self. But you have to admit that he made up for it by being devilishly good-looking, if I do say so myself.  
  
And when I was sixteen, I didn't mean to kill-er-what was her name.? Myrtle? Oh yes, her. I didn't mean to kill her, but she was in the bathroom at the wrong time! Like I would waste a perfectly good basilisk on her? And besides, I didn't find the basilisk for the soul purpose, once again, to murder and kill helpless mudbloods.I mean, muggle-born witches and wizards. I just happened to be the cleverest wizard that ever came to Hogwarts, so I wanted a challenge for myself. Finding a chamber that none of the professors could was the best choice.  
  
I didn't twitch! I just blinked really fast.  
  
And besides, Hagrid didn't belong in school in the first place. He was made for the outdoors, a big, burly guy like him. I had done him a favor, getting him out of school without the humiliation of quitting. Yes, I know that there is humiliation in being expelled as well, but it was one way or the other and I chose the other. At a pinch, you could call me a guardian angel; what with me looking out for everyone in some way.  
  
So you see? I'm not evil! Never have been and never will be. People just don't understand me they way I understand myself. Not now, Wormtail, I'm redeeming myself pubicly.  
  
Anyway, I hope that my observations have cleared my record. So, now that I have explained my actions in a very convincing manner, I have a few requests on my own part. Wormtail, stop blubbering and hold on for a minute!  
  
First off I greatly ask that all people here, there and absolutely everywhere to please cease from referring to me as Voldie or Voldy! It is simply Voldemort, or with the respectable title, Lord Voldemort. I am even nice enough to extend it as far as Lord Voldemort, Supreme Ruler of all that is Powerful and Potent in the World.  
  
Secondly, I ask that everyone stop making me the bad guy in your worlds; at least, not the ultimate bad guy. In some, yes, of course, knock yourselves silly with my previously 'evil' ways. But in one story or another, I'd appreciate someone making me the spotlight other than that conniving little bas-boy, Harry Potter.  
  
Ha! No eye twitch!  
  
And lastly, I request nothing more than the last thing I was deprived of when I lost my powers that frightful night and had to flee for my own innocence. I would like.Wormtail! Would you just-oh, fine. Tell me quickly so I can get on with this! What.? He left my league of servants? But a Death Eater can't do that! Find him, Wormtail; and take Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy with you. And when you find him, KILL HIM!  
  
Oh, don't mind that! Kill is just another word I use for.uh.well, it's just another word I use that means absolutely something else. But forgetting that, I have my last request to demand---I mean beg of the wizarding world. As a now respectable member of the civil magical community, I ask that one, Harry Potter, be surrendered into my custody and that all rights to him be granted to me.  
  
Don't look at me like that, I told you that already! I just want to prove that I have no hard feelings on the boy, that's all. I promise, on my pledge as Lord Voldemort, Supreme Ruler of all that is Powerful and Potent in the World, that I will not ki--.kil---kill Harry Potter. I will kill him. No! Will not kill him.kill him good. No! Yes.no.yes, no! I WILL NOT KILL HIM! Honestly, I won't.wouldn't even dream.I swear.on my life.in all truth.I swear..definite eye twitch  
  
Fin. 


End file.
